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LEGAL IN LAW OR NOT
A sunny Sunday afternoon and I am walking back from my local pub after enjoying a few pints of the amber falling down water with some congenial like minded friends. I am in a good mood, a very good mood; my car insurance company has quoted me happy and my wife Linda, she who must be obeyed, is going away for the week on a company team building course. To appreciate just how happy I am feeling you need to know that my hero is Homer Simpson, so while the wife is away it is my plan to spend as much of my free time as I can in front of the TV watching sport with a six pack by my side living on Indian and Chinese take aways. I am not the complete slob, far from it, if anything I am a bit of fitness freak, not overweight, do a bit of running, work out, that sought of thing, but sometimes I just feel like pigging out and this was one of those times.
I approached the happy home and rounded the end of the driveway, my heart sank, there standing on the driveway was the mother in law’s car, or “The little tank” as I called it. Never mind, perhaps Linda’s colleagues from work could not make it and mother in law was here to run her to the airport or perhaps pigs could really fly, I feared the worst, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that.
My fears were justified; Linda and her mother were standing in the doorway waiting for me. Have you ever noticed how the ladies, god bless them, seem to stand in doorways and have no intension of moving as if to strengthen a point, well this was the case when I got home. “Robert, I have asked mother to pop round and keep an eye on things, make sure you are keeping the house clean and getting proper meals, I know you, the place will be like a pigsty when I get back with dishes piled to the ceiling and smelling of take aways” this was Linda talking, her way of laying down the ground rules, she knew me too well. Mother in law, more like monster in law acknowledged me with just “Robert” we kept a respectful distance from each other.
The tension was suddenly broken as a minibus drew onto the driveway; it was Linda’s colleagues from work. They were all catching the evening flight to Germany, the home of company headquarters, so they had decided to go as a group and hire a minibus between them. Almost as soon as they had arrived they were gone, a formal quick peck on the cheek and they were disappearing down the driveway
Mother in law retreated back into the house. I followed, damn it this was my house, I built it myself and I would do what I liked. I went into the lounge, switched on the TV and prepared to watch an afternoons sport. The drone of the vacuum cleaner got nearer and nearer finely bursting into the lounge. “I will not be a moment” commented mother in law. How anyone can manage to vacuum a piece of carpet right in front of the TV for so long is beyond me. It did not even need cleaning in the first place. I’ll say one thing for Linda she keeps the house immaculate; she even has someone in from the village to clean on a regular basis.
Carpet cleaning completed both vacuum cleaner and it’s pilot leave the lounge. No sooner had she gone than she was back, duster in hand flitting round the furniture. She got nearer and nearer, now she was leaning over my head to dust the back of my chair, this was just too much, but before I could open my mouth to voice my objections she tripped over my feet. She stumbled and fell towards me. I instinctively raised my hands catching her by the waist. I held her there for a moment in suspended animation, I felt a tremble go through her body, her stomach flattened, her nipples hardened against the stretched silken fabric of her blouse.